Who knew that probably the best recreational activity known to man could also generate THE most unpleasant and cringe-worthy experiences known to man. I’m sure you’ve had some of your own so I scored through the interwebs to bring you only the best of the best. Let’s all feel better together.
1.
I was having sex with my boyfriend who is a VERY loud moaner. He kept saying my name over and over again then all of a sudden his mom comes in and says “yes hun…oh God sorry”…that’s how I found out I have the same name as my boyfriend’s mom.
2.
I hooked up with the guy I’ve been seeing. Apparently, he doesn’t believe in condoms and took it off without my knowing; I didn’t realize until after. When I asked him in horror why he would do such a thing, he said “I love you. I want you to have my child.” It had been our second date.
3.
While licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn’t have referred to her breasts as pancakes.
4.
The first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said.
5.
I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypanophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack.
6.
I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been “left behind”. I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore.
7.
Things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered: “God help me for what I’m about to do.” Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly.
8.
I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, “Who’s my baby?” I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, “You.”
9.
I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed “JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!” and shot his load in my eyes.
10.
I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It’s hard for me to get it up, and I can’t orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, “Yeah, you should stop now, I’m numb.”
11.
I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, “I know this is going to kill the mood… but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now”
12.
I thought I’d spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair.
13.
My girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower until I slipped and fell backward into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat.
14.
I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor.
15.
I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend’s panties with my teeth. I didn’t expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked.
16.
I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, “You’re still here?
17.
I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, “Just what the pussy ordered” as he entered me.
18.
I was on a second date with a guy. Things got a little handsy and he pulled down his pants to reveal a micro-penis. He then smiled and asked me to be his girlfriend.
19.
While in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn’t stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall.